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Marlene's Story  Marlene's Story Big tobacco made smoking grown up and glamorous, I fell hook line and sinker...where I am now, in todays world because of it! Big tobacco needs to be stopped...now! ~I am writing this story about my life as a smoker in hopes it will not onlyentertain who ever should read it, but maybe prevent someone from using tobacco or entice someone to quit using tobacco. How I started: ~I tried my first cigarette at the age of 11, the preachers son gave it to me back behind the church, where a lot of us kids went after church services on Sunday morning. I was a timid girl, bashful, and just wanted to be included in the group. I did not actually start smoking then, full time that is, I would sneak here and there with the other kids, but by the time I was 12, I was hooked! Now that I've analyzed this I realize tobacco turned me into a sneak, a liar, and a thief, right off the bat... ~First off I'd sneak to catch a "drag" here and there, then I graduated to stealing cigarettes from anyone who happen to leave a pack laying around, then when asked about it I lied and said "no, I haven't been smoking" and "no, I didn't take any cigarettes". I started stealing money to support my habit, I stold money, or anything I could find so I could hang out with the kids, and be a part of their group. Permission to smoke: ~I moved in with my Dad, step mom, and step sister while I was 12, my step sister who was 10, took me out to the back yard where a old trailer was sitting, she crawled under it and came out with her cigarette stash, " stolen pack of Daddy's cigarettes". That's when I really started to smoke, stealing from my Dad was easy, he never seemed to miss them, until one day when he caught me red handed! I just knew I was going to get the beating of my life, my Dad had a bad temper when pushed to his wits end. He ordered me into the house, where he sat me down at the dining room table, he made me roll 20 cigarettes from the old roll your own "strong, stinking tobacco" with the papers, remember those? Does anyone still use that stuff? Any way when I finished rolling them, he made me sit there and smoke every one of them, no supper, nothing to drink, just sit there and smoke. Well even a surprise to me today, I did it, it took me a few hours, but I did it, you see, I inherited his stubborn streak. When I finished the last one he said, "well, you proved you can handle it, so you have my permission to smoke, but if I ever catch your sister smoking, I'll give you the beating that you thought you were going to get today". I got up from the table, feeling rather sick, went into the bedroom and told my sister "if Daddy ever catches you smoking I'll beat you to death!" Turmoil and early sickness: I have since thought of that time and truly wish he would have give me the beating of my life instead of handling it like he did, but, who knew? ~So, now I have my Dads permission to smoke, I smoked all the time, and every where (except Grandma's house) forget the beating she would have Killed me! It ended up over the years, cigarettes caused a lot of turmoil in my life, it put me in the hospital 3 times that I can remember, I had severe bronchitis and breathing problems. I had to be put on breathing machines and breathing medications several times, as soon as I would get to where I could breath freely again, I would light up again. Now, is that insane or what? ~This went on for 39 years at which time I was smoking 2+ packs per day, and still lying about it, the very Doctor that diagnosed me with cancer, I lied to that man, and said... "No Doctor, I only smoke less than a pack a day", Lie, Lie, and more lies for 39 miserable years! The bad news: ~Then in 1996, I developed a sore throat that would not go away, I tried everything over the counter, cold medicines, lozenges, throat spray's, nothing worked. So I went to the doctor who put me on one antibiotic after the other from October until December, sore throat wouldn't go away, finally he sent me to an Oncologist e.n.t (ear, nose and throat specialist) who ran a scope down my nose and throat, he seen something and suggested I go to the Hospital and have a biopsy done. ~I had the biopsy done on Thursday, after it was over the doctor didn't stay to talk to me, he left instructions for me to go home, rest my voice, don't talk to anyone, and left a prescription for a rather strong pain medication and told the nurse to instruct me to be in his office the next afternoon at 5pm. Well I knew he did not take appointments that late in the day, I also knew you do not get pain medication like that, with refills unless something is really wrong, also why can't I use my voice? So, I pretty well knew the news was going to be bad. ~I went home and waited for 5pm Friday to get there, I didn't talk to anyone, I just waited, and it seemed like a long time, so the time finally got there for me to go, then I wanted to run in the opposite direction, I dreaded that trip to his office so bad, but I went and he said right out, "you have cancer, and it's the worse kind, it spreads rapidly, I suggest we operate as soon as possible,I want to perform a complete laryngectomy on you,there's good news and bad news, the good is I think I can get it all, the bad is, you will never talk again." I told him I'd get back with him on what I wanted to do. It's my decision: I left his office in a trance. I drove home in a trance, almost wrecked a couple of times, my only thought was, no, no, no, way are they going to cut my throat open, and no way are they going to turn me into a freak! ~I got home and called my children and told them what the doctor had said, I also told them I decided not to have the surgery, they naturally had a fit and said "yes, you are," I informed them it was my life and my decision. My oldest Son and his wife drove over from 500 miles away to talk me into having the surgery, my daughter in law started crying and said "Mom, I can't believe you don't want to see your future grand children". Well, I think that's what did it, because after I thought about it, I couldn't sleep that night for thinking about it, and how selfish I was thinking only of myself. I knew I was not ready to leave this world without seeing my grand babies, my greatest wish was to be a grandma. The Surgery: I decided to go back and talk to the doctor, the kids went with me and on Dec. 24, 1996, (Christmas Eve) I had a complete laryngectomy. ~Nice Christmas present wasn't it? When I woke up in intensive care, the first thing I recall is seeing my youngest son holding my hand with his head resting on the bed rail, crying so hard he was sobbing, I naturally opened my mouth to console him and "nothing" came out, I felt so helpless, bless his heart I wanted so bad to assure him everything was going to be OK and I couldn't say a word, my voice was gone forever. That must have been a horrible sight seeing your mother lying there with her throat cut nearly ear to ear! All because of Tobacco Addiction! Life at home: ~After I got out of the Hospital, I had home nurses and a speech therapist come to my home to help me, I didn't know anything at all about the laryngectomy, I had just had or any thing about being a Laryngectomee, this was all new stuff to me, the first thing was learn how to care for myself, the feeding tube, hooked up through my nose, clean the trachea site (hole in my neck). One day I was fine, the next I'd cry all day, I was on a miserable roller coaster. Learning to talk again: ~I had a speech therapist that came to my home to teach me how to talk with a instrument called an electro-larynx, she took it out of the box, put the battery in it, showed me how to use it and told me to sit in front of a mirror and practice until I could be understood, as soon as she left, I took the battery out, packed it back in the box and said to myself,"I'm not about to use that silly sounding thing to talk with, I wouldn't be caught dead talking with that thing!" Still suffering in silence, all because of tobacco addiction! ~We set up a tapping signal on the telephone so I could answer questions and call for help if I needed to, one tap was "no" two taps "yes" etc. My daughter and granddaughter called me from a couple of states away, they would ask questions and talk and I would tap, when we got ready to hang up I started crying, I tapped 1-2-3 and my daughter said "I love you too, Mom" I'll never forget how devastated I felt that I couldn't even tell my kids I love them! All because of Tobacco addiction! ~After I got off the phone, I opened the box, put the battery back in and started to practice, just as soon as I thought my kids would be able to understand me, I called them all and told them I love them, and they all understood me. I still, to this day, hate having to use that silly sounding thing to talk with, I'd much rather have my old voice back, but it is gone forever all because of tobacco addiction! Radiation treatments: ~Then came 33 radiation treatments, as if the cut throat, feeding tubes, all the medications, and silly sounding speaking devices weren't enough. Getting through all of the radiation treatments was a real test of strength for me, more than once I sat in my car after a treatment and cried before I could put the key in the ignition and start the car, (I prayed a lot too). But my children, constantly reassured me that I could make it, and how, I don't know, but I did. And life goes on: ~I have adjusted for the most part, to my new way of life, I'm on my 4th year, and have one month to go to reach 5 years, before I can rest that they did get all the cancer out, every single day I think about it, it never leaves your mind. I'm lucky and grateful: ~I am so lucky, because I'm alive, a lot of people, (around 50 per hour) are dying because of Tobacco addiction. ~Speaking of being lucky, in 1999, we were invited by the American Lung Association to represent them at the Second Wind Lung Transplant Convention here in St. Louis, I got around and talked to some of these people who were in wheel chairs with oxygen tanks strapped to their backs, tubes running up their noses, they were some of the nicest people I've ever met, I talked at length about their problems, my problems, etc. I found out most of these people had smoked, and most of them had their name on a list waiting for a lung. Well I'm ashamed to admit up until this point I had felt sorry for myself, I came home from that convention a much more thankful person and life means so much more to me now, I'm alive, and my name is not on a list waiting for life! I thank God every day for my life, and the young people he guides my way to talk to. ~I am sure "My Own Personal Story" is pretty close if not exactly like many others before and after me, that's why it is extremely important that we (you and me) educate as many children as we can about the dangers and terrible consequences of tobacco. ~If you are a child and you are reading "My Own Personal Story" Please, Please stop and really think about what you are doing to harm yourself, before you use a tobacco product, because I really do care about you. Copyright 1999, Marlene all Rights Reserved ©5146363© ~I always wanted to be the one to give thanks where thanks were due after a performance or as part of a book, in this case a document. This is my chance. ~I want to send my deepest gratitude and thanks to each and every one of my children, with out them, I would not be here now to share this story with you, with out them, my life would not be worth living, They inspire me and for that I am sincerely grateful. ~A special thanks to Mr. Robert Mehrman who helped me a great deal with information for my program, Robert you are the best. ~Thank you every one for taking the time to read my own personal story. Copyright 1999, Marlene All Rights Reserved ©5146363© |
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